1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,639
2020.
2
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,545
Uh, that's a stretch.
3
00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:06,715
Fine, 2024.
4
00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:09,446
I win.
We move in there.
5
00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:11,883
I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.
6
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,686
You can be
the First Gentleman.
7
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:16,120
Actually, that sounds kind of great.
(CHUCKLES)
8
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:18,224
Thanks for coming
with me to get my stuff.
9
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,025
How can I pass up an opportunity
to look at our future house?
10
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:25,234
Oh, I just remembered. I kind of
got you an engagement present.
11
00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:26,931
Is it a waffle tower?
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,029
I mean, it's a little
better than that.
13
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:31,232
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
14
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,247
(STUTTERS) That...
How did you do this?
15
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:40,476
I called in
a few favors.
16
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,575
Excuse me, here.
17
00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,582
A few hundred favors.
18
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:44,747
Mr. Vice President.
19
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:46,791
I'm Ben Wyatt from
Congressman Murray's office.
20
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,723
Hey, Ben. Dave told me you
were going to be coming by.
21
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,056
And you must be
Leslie Knope.
22
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,790
Welcome. Welcome.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
23
00:00:53,086 --> 00:00:56,829
(STAMMERING) You're... My name
just came out of your mouth.
24
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,365
Well, yeah, it did.
25
00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:01,169
Well, this isn't happening.
26
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:02,533
This isn't real.
27
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:03,665
No, it's happening.
28
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,767
I'm delighted
to have you here.
29
00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:07,675
On behalf of the
President and myself...
30
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,008
Oh, Mr. Vice President,
lam deeply flattered.
31
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:11,841
But there's no way
that I could take over
32
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,816
Madam Secretary
Clinton's position.
33
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,008
Imean...
34
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,349
I'm confident
you could do that job
35
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:18,513
or any other, but the reason...
Okay, I will.
36
00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:20,147
Well, the reason
you're here is,
37
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,193
I'm told you've done
such a great job
38
00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,956
in your town and
the state of Indiana.
39
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,430
And I just want to say congratulations
for your public service.
40
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,063
I just want
to say thank you.
41
00:01:29,122 --> 00:01:31,432
(STAMMERING) Well, you're very welcome.
You're very welcome.
42
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:34,698
Hey. You're very welcome.
43
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,930
You're very handsome.
I think we're all done.
44
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,134
Well, you're very nice.
But thank you.
45
00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:39,836
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
46
00:01:39,899 --> 00:01:40,934
Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.
47
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,344
Well...
Oh, well, you will?
48
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,273
Thank you,
Mr. Vice President.
49
00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:47,443
You're welcome.
50
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:49,947
You don't let anything happen to him.
Do you understand me?
51
00:01:50,510 --> 00:01:52,353
He is precious cargo.
52
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:15,505
Yeah, it's actually the same accounting
firm I almost joined last year.
53
00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:17,309
I mean, they gave me
a great package.
54
00:02:17,403 --> 00:02:20,384
Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401K,
55
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,044
and a pretty
sweet Windbreaker.
56
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,143
Wow!
57
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:26,918
I'm getting married, and I
wanted a good, stable job.
58
00:02:27,013 --> 00:02:29,687
So, I'm going back
to accounting.
59
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,589
(IN DEEP VOICE)
So, just call me Bond.
60
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,029
Municipal Bond.
61
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:36,794
(CHUCKLES)
62
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:39,160
Yeah, that joke killed
at the accounting firm.
63
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:43,530
Well, well, well, if it isn't
Mr. Looks and Professor Books.
64
00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,132
He's Looks.
I got it.
65
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:46,801
Of course you do, Books.
What's going on?
66
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:47,935
Well, fun fact.
67
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,379
Ben just got an amazing
accounting job.
68
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:52,313
Regular fact. I have
to go to a meeting.
69
00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:54,477
Un-fun fact.
My uncle just had a stroke.
70
00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,320
Well, I'm off.
71
00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:00,454
This is actually
a crazy coincidence.
72
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,158
I have a new company
73
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:04,456
and could use your help on
the math side of things.
74
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,587
Oh! What's the new company?
75
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:08,363
We specialize in making stacks
on stacks on stacks on stacks.
76
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:09,990
Right. Pass.
77
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:13,162
I'm kidding. It's a real idea.
So, get this.
78
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,772
Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,
79
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:16,864
so their parents don't want
to buy them nice things.
80
00:03:16,996 --> 00:03:19,704
I'm going to rent my upscale
clothing to middle school kids.
81
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:20,970
Because I discovered
82
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,810
I'm roughly the same size as the
average Pawnee 12-year-old.
83
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,916
That's actually a really great idea.
I know.
84
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:28,009
Can you take a look at the business
plan, tell me what you think?
85
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,553
Sure, why not?
Awesome.
86
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:33,847
Washington, D.C. has more dog parks
per capita than most cities.
87
00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,626
Pawnee only has
two dog parks,
88
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:40,529
this one, and that one, which
is also an active parking lot.
89
00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:42,965
(Sums) can you say
"Per capita" again?
90
00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,592
I want to take a picture of
you saying "per capita."
91
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:45,692
Stop.
92
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:46,759
I am so proud of you.
93
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,234
Now stand
next to the screen
94
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,296
and think about all the strong
female role models in your life.
95
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:51,364
Gross.
(CLICKS)
96
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:55,277
April came to me with an idea
to build a dog park in Pawnee.
97
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,871
I recognized her potential
a long time ago,
98
00:03:57,937 --> 00:03:59,712
and she's finally
living up to it.
99
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,820
I mean, I am so proud
of her, I could cry.
100
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:06,120
(TEARFULLY) And here we go.
101
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,649
One tiny critique.
102
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,318
If you do want
to be taken seriously,
103
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,656
you might want to think a little bit
about how you present yourself.
104
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:15,321
No, this is publicity for Orin's
new performance art show.
105
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:17,523
He's an animal
living on a human farm
106
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:19,661
and you can go and feed him
from your own hand.
107
00:04:19,726 --> 00:04:21,797
Ugh. That's horrifying,
and so is Orin.
108
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,169
You should not be
friends with him.
109
00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:24,936
So, after reviewing
all the options,
110
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,605
I found that the best location
for the dog park is Lot 48.
111
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:30,872
The one behind
Ann's house.
112
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,143
(LAUGHING)
113
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:38,212
No, no, no, no, no. I've been trying
to put a park there for four years.
114
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:40,858
See, the thing is, April,
that lot is mine.
115
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,925
I've been doing
slow, painstaking work.
116
00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:45,428
So, I don't want to whip out
the legalese on you now,
117
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:46,520
but I got dibs.
118
00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:47,923
What we are going
to do is
119
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,058
we're going to take your enthusiasm,
we're going to bundle it up,
120
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,602
and we're going to find a
new place for a dog park.
121
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:52,659
Doesn't that sound fun?
122
00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:55,171
One, two, three. Cheese.
Good girl. (CLICKS)
123
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,203
Morning, Andy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
124
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:03,142
Okay. Something is different
about my computer.
125
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,275
A-ha! It's gone.
126
00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:12,413
(GASPS)
A game is the foot.
127
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:17,322
See, part of the Police Academy
entrance exam is investigating a crime.
128
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,359
So, about a month ago, I
told everyone in the office,
129
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,558
that at some point, they should
steal something from my desk
130
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:23,032
so I can practice.
131
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:24,791
Let's do this.
132
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:28,969
Wait. Hey, did you guys
take my glasses, too?
133
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,233
They got my sunglasses, too.
134
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,644
I was in Miami
last weekend.
135
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,407
I took my talents
to South Beach.
136
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:36,980
How do you spend
your time in Miami?
137
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,811
Maybe fencing
stolen computers?
138
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:44,752
Yes. I took your government
computer from Indiana to Miami
139
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:48,084
to sell it on the black
market for 150 bucks.
140
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:51,425
Ha-ha! You don't know it, but
you just gave yourself away.
141
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,623
(DOOR OPENS) I've got
to say, I'm impressed.
142
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,325
Your mission statement
made sense.
143
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:59,063
And you didn't use
one R. Kelly lyric.
144
00:05:59,158 --> 00:06:01,695
Yes. So, you want
to be my C.F.O.?
145
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:04,805
Well, I already have a job,
but I'll help as a friend.
146
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,878
As long as you take
what I say seriously.
147
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,504
I don't want another Entertainment
720 disaster on our hands.
148
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,275
Yeah. It was a disaster.
149
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:16,343
Too bad we didn't see it coming. All right.
What's my first move?
150
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:19,485
You know, I think any of the four
previous locations would work,
151
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:20,920
but there's something
about this place.
152
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:23,358
It's just a really good
energy here, you know?
153
00:06:23,449 --> 00:06:25,451
Lots of natural light.
154
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:27,725
It's tiny and awful
and loud.
155
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:31,599
And it's zoned 14-B, industrial
waste clean-up site.
156
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:33,659
We should technically be wearing
hazmat suits right now.
157
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:34,864
This seems like
the kind of place
158
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,964
a ska band would go
to shoot heroin.
159
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:39,873
Come on, guys. This is a
great place for a dog park.
160
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:42,503
I mean, look. There's
already a dog here.
161
00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:45,206
Oh, my God. I had that exact
doll when I was a kid.
162
00:06:46,005 --> 00:06:47,643
This is traumatic for me.
163
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:50,311
APRIL: Well, I'm sorry, but Lot
48 is the only one that works.
164
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:51,511
And I'm definitely
bringing it up
165
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,681
at the next city
council meeting.
166
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,053
April, please,
I beg of you.
167
00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,286
I will do anything to
keep you from doing that.
168
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,293
Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.
No.
169
00:06:58,384 --> 00:06:59,692
Shave your head.
No.
170
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,425
Have sex with Jerry.
No.
171
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:02,864
Well, I tried
to be reasonable.
172
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:07,066
I've created a monster. And
now, I need to destroy her.
173
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,539
What do I do, Joe?
174
00:07:09,662 --> 00:07:12,973
(MIMICS JOE) "Well, Leslie, look
into my eyes, take a deep breath,
175
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,012
"and everything will be fine."
176
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:19,241
Thanks, Joe.
God, he's good.
177
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,681
Ron, thank you for
agreeing to see me.
178
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:25,044
I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.
179
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,215
I don't have time
for a history lesson.
180
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:30,193
Look, I am trying to
remove parking meters.
181
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:33,154
And there is a guy
in Public Works
182
00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:34,562
who's being
a real thorn about it.
183
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:35,689
Which guy?
184
00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:37,356
Ricky Jordache.
185
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,000
Never heard of him.
What's his deal?
186
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:40,731
He's new.
He used to be a slacker,
187
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:42,830
but now he's realizing
his full potential.
188
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,273
But at what cost? He's
smart and he's beautiful.
189
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,577
And I think of him in
many ways as a daughter.
190
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,943
But that would be crazy 'cause he's a man.
His name is Ricky.
191
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:51,508
Here's my question.
192
00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:54,207
How did you used
to slow me down
193
00:07:54,273 --> 00:07:55,946
when I was becoming
too "me-ish"?
194
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,088
Sometimes, I'd just
give you busy work.
195
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,385
I once had you
put together a brochure
196
00:08:00,446 --> 00:08:02,756
about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.
197
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,052
That soil brochure
was not busy work.
198
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:07,757
I mean, people still refer to
"Mulch Ado About Nothing."
199
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:11,324
And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,
200
00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:14,428
I'd take you to JJ's and
distract you with waffles.
201
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,196
Those were
distraction waffles?
202
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:17,536
I thought they were
friendship waffles.
203
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:20,073
Breakfast food
can serve many purposes.
204
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,973
But what if this person,
this Ricky,
205
00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,412
who is real,
doesn't like waffles?
206
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:25,911
Or anything?
207
00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:28,509
Everybody has something
they're passionate about.
208
00:08:28,741 --> 00:08:31,779
Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,
209
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,356
and divert his attention.
210
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,957
(ROOSTER CROWING)
(GOAT BLEATING)
211
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,929
(cow MOOING)
212
00:08:40,386 --> 00:08:44,425
Howdy, neighbors. Welcome to Human Farm.
Here's your animal feed.
213
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,128
Please don't feed
the animals.
214
00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:52,399
Wow. This is really,
really cool.
215
00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:55,101
I like the statement
it's making.
216
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,474
That, you know, we're
all in cages, in a way.
217
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,848
Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.
218
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,453
Yeah. I see that now.
Hi, Orin.
219
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,951
Ms. Wicks, if you've read our
proposal, you'll see that an alliance
220
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:13,589
between Rent A Swag and Sweetums
could be mutually beneficial.
221
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:17,825
Well, I must say, it's a much better
idea than the last one you had.
222
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:20,962
That gourmet
French food thing?
223
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:23,803
Oh! My escargot delivery service.
Snail Mail.
224
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,206
So, you want to partner up
and make history?
225
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:28,370
I mean, you've already
made history
226
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,004
as the world's most
beautiful C.E.O.
227
00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:31,780
I'm really sorry, cutie.
228
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:36,318
The company is laying low right
now due to a small mishap.
229
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:40,481
Ah! Yes. A Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,
230
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,254
resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.
231
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:45,257
Well, all press
is good press.
232
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:50,290
No, this was bad press. A lot of
homes were very gradually flooded.
233
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,898
People died.
234
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,366
Actually, speaking of...
235
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:58,964
We're starting up a non-profit
foundation to restore our name.
236
00:09:59,031 --> 00:10:00,533
Any interest in running it?
237
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,813
Oh, I'm sorry. You want me
to run your non-profit wing?
238
00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:07,611
I know that Bobby Newport
is my stepson.
239
00:10:07,740 --> 00:10:11,950
But the work you did on
Leslie's campaign was amazing.
240
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,585
Your name
is on our short list.
241
00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:15,091
Just to clarify.
242
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,323
It's a no to me
on all fronts,
243
00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:19,590
and you're offering
Ben a job?
244
00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:21,054
Yeah.
245
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,599
Cool. Cool.
246
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,827
I've been looking at your
file all day, Jerry.
247
00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:28,462
If that even
is your real name.
248
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,698
It's not.
My real name is Gary.
249
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:34,503
Well, Gary, if that
even is your real name.
250
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:38,611
Somebody stole my computer. Now,
if you're a criminal, look at me.
251
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:43,980
You have to tell me, legally, or
else it's considered entrapment.
252
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:46,954
I'm sorry, Andy.
It wasn't me.
253
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:48,515
Oh, man. Really?
254
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,424
No. Yeah.
Okay.
255
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:54,556
Okay, so we know it's not Jerry,
unless he was lying to me.
256
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,258
I can never tell when
people are lying to me.
257
00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,529
Hopefully, that doesn't
come up in my police work.
258
00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,437
I think we should do more
stuff like this, you know?
259
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,498
I think Pawnee needs
an amazing arts program.
260
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,703
Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.
261
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,903
I'm not stupid.
262
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,173
What is that
supposed to mean?
263
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:12,546
It means that the only
reason you brought me here
264
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,346
is to distract me
from the dog park.
265
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,386
You hate this show.
I love this show.
266
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,479
What's your favorite part?
The heavy-handedness.
267
00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:19,578
(SCOFFS)
268
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:21,625
You know what? I have to go talk
to Councilman Jamm right now.
269
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,319
Why are you talking
to Councilman Jamm?
270
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:26,158
Because I told him about the
dog park idea and he loves it.
271
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:27,754
He thinks it's a great idea.
272
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:28,924
He's going to support
my motion
273
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:30,558
at the city council
meeting tomorrow.
274
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,670
And he gave me a really cool dental
mirror to check out my molars.
275
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:36,296
Our dispute aside, you
should be careful with Jamm.
276
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,739
He's a snake.
I'm telling you.
277
00:11:37,797 --> 00:11:41,574
Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.
278
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,848
Moo. Moo.
279
00:11:44,904 --> 00:11:46,349
Quiet, weirdo.
280
00:11:46,505 --> 00:11:47,540
Aren't you supposed
to be a sheep?
281
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:50,219
No. You are.
282
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:52,021
Shut up.
283
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:55,049
Tom would make a great
profile for your show.
284
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:56,923
I mean, this is a guy
who's learned
285
00:11:56,982 --> 00:12:00,486
through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.
286
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,963
Not to mention,
in the last month alone,
287
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:06,434
three people have confused me for
a shorter Indian Ryan Gosling.
288
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,865
It's interesting, but I
think I need to wait
289
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:11,033
until the business has been
around for a few months.
290
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,701
Make sure it's viable.
291
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:15,475
You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign
292
00:12:15,534 --> 00:12:16,638
in Washington, right?
293
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:19,148
Yeah. What, are you going
to offer him a job?
294
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:22,217
Yes. We're launching
a new political chat show,
295
00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:23,651
and we need correspondents.
296
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,383
Well, thank you, but I'm a
little shaky on live TV.
297
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,993
Well, that's okay. People want authenticity.
Think about it?
298
00:12:31,050 --> 00:12:34,725
Didn't you hear him? He stinks on TV.
He sweats, he stutters.
299
00:12:34,854 --> 00:12:35,889
It's like
The King's Speech.
300
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:37,491
But the first part,
before he's fixed.
301
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,500
That was my favorite
part of the movie.
302
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,170
What is happening?
303
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,002
ANDY: Chris Traeger.
304
00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:44,668
Yep. Hi, Andy.
305
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,274
I know you did it.
306
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:47,433
Did what?
307
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,774
(LAUGHING)
308
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:51,846
Don't play stupid
and handsome with me.
309
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:56,280
You stole my computer, so that I
could practice for my police exam.
310
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,351
You're as guilty
as you are sexy.
311
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:01,390
Andy, another computer
was reported stolen
312
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,824
from the offices on the other
side of the courtyard.
313
00:13:04,016 --> 00:13:07,122
I don't think that this is
part of your police training.
314
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,965
I think City Hall
was robbed.
315
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:10,557
I can't tell
if you're lying to me.
316
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:11,829
Really?
I think.
317
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:14,132
Like, a real crime?
That's even better.
318
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,971
Next order of business.
It's agenda item 280-B.
319
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:22,403
A motion to construct a dog
park on Municipal Lot 48.
320
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:25,045
Ms. Ludgate,
you have the floor.
321
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:26,673
APRIL: Thank you,
Councilman Jamm.
322
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,413
Your help and general non-awfulness
is much appreciated.
323
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:33,585
Leslie.
Members of the council,
324
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,056
I believe that Municipal Lot
48 should be a dog park.
325
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:38,387
Boo. Boo.
326
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:41,159
Well, it sounds like there is
considerable opposition to this.
327
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,325
So, I'm sorry, Ms. Ludgate.
You should go now.
328
00:13:43,422 --> 00:13:45,402
Really? I just heard
one hag booing.
329
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,165
Ladies, please.
Let's keep this civil.
330
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:51,104
(CLEARS THROAT)
Councilmen, Pawneeans,
331
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,774
satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,
332
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:58,742
as we discuss what type of park to
put on Lot 48, I had a thought.
333
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,548
How about no park? Who here
thinks parks are stupid?
334
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,221
Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.
335
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,217
I happen to know
for a fact that
336
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,624
Pawnee's favorite
fast-food restaurant,
337
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,492
Paunch Burger,
needs a new location.
338
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,725
Now, seeing as how the future
of Lot 48 is open for debate,
339
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,769
I move we sell it to Paunch
Burger for a nice profit.
340
00:14:20,292 --> 00:14:24,138
You don't even have to be
Asian to do math that simple.
341
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,708
You told me
you wanted a dog park.
342
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:27,707
Uh... Psych.
343
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,609
That's not fair.
You lied to me.
344
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,514
You just got Jammed.
345
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,608
I hate when he says that.
346
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:37,344
I told you that
Jamm was a snake.
347
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:38,749
Well, it takes a snake
to know a snake.
348
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,188
LESLIE:
So, now, I'm a snake.
349
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:43,955
Yes. You deceived me for two
straight days and you eat mice.
350
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,084
I don't eat mice.
Yes, you do.
351
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,527
LESLIE: No. You're a mouse eater.
Mouse eater.
352
00:14:46,585 --> 00:14:47,723
RON: Enough.
Mouse eater.
353
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:50,130
You are friends
and co-workers.
354
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:53,067
In this office, we treat
each other with respect.
355
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,294
Hey, April, how's that
dog park coming?
356
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:56,462
Get out, Jerry.
357
00:14:56,528 --> 00:14:57,802
This is private!
Get out right now.
358
00:14:57,863 --> 00:14:59,570
LESLIE: Hey!
Sorry, guys.
359
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:02,405
We are not leaving here until
you two figure this out.
360
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,672
Ron, guard the door.
RON: Yes, sir.
361
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:08,276
No one leaves the octagon.
362
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:11,878
I dated an ultimate fighter.
It's, like, a thing he said.
363
00:15:13,512 --> 00:15:14,547
What's the play here,
officer?
364
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:17,219
Are we going to set up a
perimeter, maybe bug a few phones?
365
00:15:17,516 --> 00:15:19,860
Ooh, I know. We could put out a
dummy computer for them to steal,
366
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,329
fill it with explosives first.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
367
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,799
Boom. Take them all out.
368
00:15:24,456 --> 00:15:25,628
Yeah, we're not doing
any of that.
369
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,237
Andy, I love
your enthusiasm.
370
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:28,931
But we don't really
have the kind of money
371
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,564
to launch a massive
investigation.
372
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:34,640
You're just going to fill out
this stupid report and that's it?
373
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,346
As a future cop, you have to
understand, I cannot let this guy go.
374
00:15:37,469 --> 00:15:40,643
Look, man. This is what
most police work is.
375
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:45,020
Just writing stuff down.
It's not superhero time.
376
00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:48,818
If that sounds boring, maybe you
ought to do something else.
377
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:52,686
Maybe we should
find the person
378
00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:54,662
who stole his
positive attitude.
379
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,062
(DOOR OPENS)
380
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,726
Hey, man.
Hey, man.
381
00:15:58,857 --> 00:16:01,064
Get any more job offers
since I last saw you?
382
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:04,434
Yeah, it was just a management
position at Urban Outfitters.
383
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:05,904
I turned it down.
384
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,036
I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.
385
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,135
Maybe I should
take a cue from you
386
00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:11,010
and stick with
my boring dayjob.
387
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:13,614
My accounting job
isn't boring.
388
00:16:13,672 --> 00:16:15,276
If it was remotely
interesting,
389
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,014
there would be
a show on AandE about it.
390
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:18,578
They have a show about
storage unit auctions.
391
00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:23,158
Fair point. Look. If you're
passionate about this, keep at it.
392
00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:24,888
Things will turn around.
393
00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:26,051
Also, can you tell me
394
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,462
what time that show
about storage units is on?
395
00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:30,359
9:30.
396
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:32,527
(sums)
397
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:34,969
All right. I'm going to
have to force this. Leslie.
398
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:37,597
Maybe you want to admit that you
haven't been the greatest role model.
399
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,199
I don't care.
Orin's my role model.
400
00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:40,971
April,
maybe you want to admit
401
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,070
that you've been a little
selfish and inconsiderate.
402
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,540
Look. All I ever wanted
403
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:48,709
was for you to show the enthusiasm
you showed for your dog park.
404
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:52,415
And when you did, I blew it.
And I'm sorry.
405
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:56,081
Fine. I'm sorry that I
outsmarted you at every turn.
406
00:16:56,148 --> 00:16:57,786
April.
407
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,758
And I know I have
a lot to learn from you,
408
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,189
and I'm sorry that I
disrespected your stupid dream.
409
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,469
A lot of love
in this room.
410
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,901
I'm very, very sorry.
Me, too.
411
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,998
I love you very much.
I love you, too.
412
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:12,769
I don't want to do
this in front of her.
413
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:13,832
Okay.
414
00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:15,537
Okay, Ann,
since you're such a genius,
415
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:16,773
what do we do now?
416
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:17,973
Neither of you
want Jamm to win.
417
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,142
Nor do I. Because I
hate Paunch Burger.
418
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:21,582
But if there is one
in my backyard,
419
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:22,675
I will eat there,
like, every night.
420
00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:23,742
And that is no good.
421
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:26,847
So, I say we stop playing
dirty with each other,
422
00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:28,789
and we start playing
dirty with Jamm.
423
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,554
Yes. We'll have
triple-sex with him.
424
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,755
No. I have an idea.
It's very uncool,
425
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,364
but it's not illegal,
technically.
426
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:36,661
But it is a dick move.
427
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:37,723
I love it.
428
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,568
Hey, Captain,
status update.
429
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:43,969
My new suspect, the dude
who runs Carpet Emporium.
430
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:47,769
The way I figure is, criminals
love to wrap things up in rugs.
431
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,312
Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll them all. So...
432
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:53,576
Andy, while I appreciate your
dedication to finding this criminal,
433
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,415
I think you might want to take into
account what the policeman said.
434
00:17:56,475 --> 00:18:00,821
I mean, gosh. If I can't
even investigate bad guys,
435
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,482
why become a cop at all?
436
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:05,017
What are you doing?
437
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,392
When I get bummed out
I take my shirt off,
438
00:18:06,452 --> 00:18:08,432
because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.
439
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,061
(sums)
440
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:13,260
You know what? Maybe I
should bail on being a cop.
441
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:17,299
City Hall needs a new
part-time security guard
442
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:18,602
for the weekends.
443
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:20,507
You want to do that?
Look at it as a way
444
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:23,137
to feel out whether you want
to be a police officer.
445
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:25,140
But keep in mind,
if you take this job,
446
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:27,150
you must keep your
clothes on at all times.
447
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,411
Even if you get sad.
No deal.
448
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:32,146
Okay, I'll do it.
449
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,054
That a boy. I'll do it.
I promise.
450
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,560
And I get a gun, and I can
point it at people's faces.
451
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:38,784
Incorrect.
452
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,893
(DOGS BARKING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
453
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,223
JAMM: Hey.
What the hell is going on?
454
00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,461
Oh, hello, Councilman.
455
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:46,898
The dogs are here
456
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,905
because there's no dog park
in your neighborhood.
457
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:52,272
And the kids are here because
there's no human park in your area.
458
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:53,776
They all needed
a place to play.
459
00:18:53,832 --> 00:18:55,368
My front lawn?
That's right.
460
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:56,809
And they're going
to keep using it
461
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:58,542
until there's an actual
park nearby.
462
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:01,274
Hey, lady, get that
thing off my gnome.
463
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,115
He is dry-humping
my garden gnome.
464
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:04,245
Stupid beast.
465
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,310
Councilman Jamm,
466
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,448
we just need a little bit
more time to design our park.
467
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,627
And if you plow through
and ignore us,
468
00:19:10,682 --> 00:19:11,820
this is going
to be your life.
469
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:13,523
I'll call the police.
470
00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:16,395
Yeah, sic the police on a
bunch of kids and puppies.
471
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,332
That's a great photo op.
472
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:21,200
Fine.
Gentleman's agreement.
473
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:24,403
In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote.
Winner take all.
474
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,904
Deal.
Great.
475
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,307
Now, call off
the actual dogs.
476
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:28,936
I want these kids
off my lawn.
477
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,413
I want that hula hoop
off my Vette. Right now.
478
00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,379
Hey, Jamm.
479
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:38,683
You just got Knoped and
Ludgated and Perkinsed.
480
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:42,858
Ha-ha. Nice try. Didn't work.
You just got Jammed.
481
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:44,656
(DOOR SLAMS)
482
00:19:44,716 --> 00:19:46,457
Okay.
So, let's get to work.
483
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:50,189
Wait, wait, wait. Do you never just
take a second to enjoy things?
484
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,593
I just said,
"Let's get to work."
485
00:19:51,657 --> 00:19:53,295
How else do people
enjoy things?
486
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:58,974
I know you changed your mind the
last time we offered you a job.
487
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,602
But we are just thrilled
that you changed it again.
488
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:02,702
Thank you. Me, too.
489
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,577
This is our best office.
Ah!
490
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,616
As you can see
through the window,
491
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,414
you have a great view of the
billing department. (CHUCKLES)
492
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:10,612
Hey, Sharon!
493
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:11,677
(SHUSHING)
494
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:13,881
Sorry. She's fun.
495
00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,055
So, please, if there
is anything we can do
496
00:20:17,115 --> 00:20:20,562
to make you happier in your
new job, just let me know.
497
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:23,099
No, this is great,
Barney. Thank you.
498
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,167
But I have to quit.
499
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:28,930
Again.
500
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:30,473
What?
501
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,406
Oh! Is this
a classic Ben joke?
502
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:36,412
No. I'm really sorry, but I
just don't want to do this.
503
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:40,140
I need to move my life
in another direction.
504
00:20:40,772 --> 00:20:43,685
This is disappointing.
Again.
505
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,681
Maybe someday we'll figure
out the magic formula
506
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,122
that gets you to work here.
507
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:52,890
Well, formulas are my
formula for moolah. So...
508
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:58,265
Ted, get in here.
Ben is quitting again,
509
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,303
but you've got to hear
what he said.
510
00:21:00,492 --> 00:21:03,666
BEN: Leslie's been saying for weeks
I should do something I love,
511
00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:05,299
and she's right.
512
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:08,208
I'll help Tom, or maybe
try to do that TV thing,
513
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,645
or maybe work for
the Sweetums foundation.
514
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:13,717
I don't know. Life is short. Why
be an accountant? You know?
515
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:17,019
I mean, other than the
stability and the health plan
516
00:21:17,142 --> 00:21:18,917
and the above average pay.
517
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,691
Oh, God, this better work out.